Living Below the Line

A friend told me about "the line." Our activities are either "above the line" or "below the line," she told me. What we do below the line are things that get us back up to "even" or back to normalcy. What we do above the line are things that advance us in our careers, our personal lives, our free time interests, etc. Ideally, we live most of our lives above the line.

We do have to make space for below-the-line stuff. Things that either keep us out of trouble or get us in a position to do above-the-line things to make progress. The usual little things like filling the car with gas, making the bed and doing the dishes, taking a shower, going to the bathroom, changing a lightbulb, etc. More significant things like paying our bills, figuring and paying our taxes, recovering after a broken bone or serious illness or even the flu, replacing a tree that died, getting the brakes fixed in our car, and so forth.

Some below-the-line things take more time and energy. My hip replacement was a long process, first of letting the pain limit my activities, then of going through the operation and the weeks-long (really months-long) recovery (despite that my friends said I'd be all brand new in just a few weeks). Losing a job and looking for new work definitely is a below-the-line undertaking.

Mostly, lately I feel like I'm living my life below the line. There's always something that interrupts or interferes with what I *want* to do or need to do or think I should be doing. I've gotta go to the dentist or be home when the exterminator comes or get my windshield wipers fixed. And those are just the normal things! Then there are the urgent things to take care of, like when you get the flu or your car battery dies. And then inevitably there are big below-the-line things, like a serious illness or death of a relative or even unpacking after a move. The move may be an above-the-line thing that moves your life forward but the unpacking is just a gotta-do before you can really move forward. (Or, as in my case, my below-the-line collection of boxes that I have yet to unpack after moving two years ago are cluttering up my bonus room. They haunt me every day, but I keep not getting around to them.)

Long ago I learned to just emotionally budget for below-the-line stuff. Budget for interruptions. Budget for things that go bad or wrong and have to be addressed. I must have a budget limit, though, because I've noticed that I am fine with a certain amount of these things, but at some point, even if they are small things, I get annoyed and discouraged, wondering if I'll ever get free of the gotta-dos and get back to the wanna-dos.

I've come to realize that the whole concept of "below-the-line" is deceptive. It's real enough to be a PITA (pain in the ass) when we have to deal with stuff in that category. But the idea that it slows us down or stops us from advancing is really bogus. Everything we do contributes to our history, our story, our very being. Everything we tackle and overcome (or even just finish) adds to our tool box of coping mechanisms and strengths, as well as our empathy. Those attributes are essential for moving forward. So, below-the-line stuff is as good for us as above-the-line stuff, and leads to a bigger, better life as well.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it. At least it's what I'm telling myself as my to-do list for today is mostly made up of taking care of things I'm way behind on, making calls I don't want to make to resolve things I thought were handled the first time around and just plain catching up on dreary obligations. Now off to get my windshield wiper mechanism fixed...another below-the-line gotta-do. But at least I can hopefully do some above-the-line writing while I wait.

Yo-Yoing on the Diet Merry-Go-Round (to mix metaphors)

Well, I'm back at it. Losing more of the weight I've gained back. I'm back on the Beta HCG Diet combined with ViSalus shakes for the next 30-40 days, plus 3 weeks of adjustment by adding in more foods but no sugars, starches or grains. So...I'll be on this strict diet through Christmas. Oh sure, make it easy on yourself, Judy. Well, my body doesn't give me an exemption for holidays, and I'm in the mood for this, so off we go!

Since the end of 2011 I've lost 150 pounds. Yay me! Yet I'm only down 50 pounds from where I started.

Say whaaaaa?

The 25 pounds I lost after Round 1 of the HCG diet have stayed off. The second 25 pounds came back twice before staying off (hopefully) permanently. Well, all but 4 or 5 pounds. Most of the third 25 pounds that I lost with HCG and ViSalus came back, and I'm now on the way back down once more, again thanks to HCG along with ViSalus.

So what's the problem?

I'm addicted to sugar and carbs.

As long as I stay off of them, I feel good and I can maintain my weight. But the minute I have the first bite of a saltine cracker or Honey Nut Cheerios or chocolate anything, I begin a slide down a very slippery slope back into not being able to control or fight off cravings for more more more. Ugh!

After I lose this 25 pounds again, which I should accomplish by about Jan 10, and after my 3 weeks of no sugars, grains or starches, the challenge will be to keep it off. Then I have committed myself to losing another 25 pounds by the end of July.

Losing it is the easy part. As most dieters will tell you, the hard part is keeping it off. Diets are easier because you see results on an ongoing basis and feel better and better. There's an end to dieting, especially on structured plans like HCG. But with maintenance, it's endless days of drudgery, feeling deprived of foods you love, with nothing to celebrate. Losing is worth celebrating -- it's an event! Maintaining is same-old same-old, trudging along the difficult road of I-can't-have-that-now-or-maybe-ever.

Gee, you think I need an attitude adjustment?

In my saner moments, i.e., when I'm not "on" sugar, I can eat to live, live to be healthy, etc. But the sugar and carbs fuzzify my thinking, not to mention roil up my cravings. I don't care about eating to live; I live to eat. I think about lunch right after breakfast or even while I'm eating breakfast. I think about dinner or, worse, a mid-afternoon carby snack, at or shortly after lunch. And nighttime is the absolute worst! After dinner, it starts. I crave something sweet to finish off my meal. Sometimes I'll have dessert at a restaurant after dinner and then come home and have carb-amnesia, virtually forgetting that I've had dessert, and root around for something sweet. The problem is that I love these foods -- love the taste, love the comfort, love the very satisfying feeling I have after eating an entire sleeve of saltines with swiss cheese or half of a healthy (or unhealthy)-size bag of M&Ms. I ignore the logy feeling I get half an hour later, or the desire to take a nap or fall asleep in my chair. I despair the next day when the scale has crept up another pound.

I am desperate to stop that destructive cycle.

The next month or two on the HCG/ViSalus diet will give me another chance to clear out the carb toxins from my body. I always feel so good on and right after this diet. I love the way I can move better, wear smaller-sized clothes and want to move more. I just don't know how to stop succumbing to my carb addiction.

Every other time, I've focused on losing the weight and been pleased that it's not easy to gain any of it back. I've definitely earned my weight gains each time. It's not my body's resistance to healthy eating; it's my indulgence in one carb after another. Like an addict. Because that's what it is, an addiction to carbs.

I'm sure I'm hardly the only person in this world that has that challenge. I'm just determined to overcome it.

So this time, I'm seeking help from people who can help me with the keeping-it-off part of losing weight. Meanwhile, I have another 35 days to go with HCG and ViSalus, and I'm feeling soooo much better already! Stay tuned!

A New Pair of Glasses...Sort Of

Yesterday I got new contact lenses. I've worn contacts since 9th grade, and they were very different then. Kind of like rocks. They hurt and my eyes ached if I had my eyes closed for even a couple of minutes. No way could I even take a nap with them in. My eyes were sore a lot. Contacts were "hard," not "rigid" as they are now.

When I would get new lenses back then, my eyes would hurt after a few hours and I'd have to take them out. Since I can't even see the big E on the eye chart, being without them was challenging. Forget driving, watching tv or nearly anything when the room I was in was fuzzy, let alone doing anything that required focus. Those were difficult times.

People would say you had to really want contacts to wear them back then. For me, it wasn't so much a vanity thing as a practical thing. Contacts didn't fog up like glasses did. I lived in Colorado then and they fogged up a lot in the winter. But the main reason I preferred contacts was...I could SEE in a way that I couldn't with glasses. Clearly, even with my peripheral vision.

Over the years, contacts have evolved, thank God! I still wear "rigid," gas-permeable lenses, the modern-day version of hard contacts. I have so much astigmatism that soft lenses didn't work for me, not to mention that I had a helluva time getting them in and out of my eyes. I assume soft lenses have gotten better, too, over the years, but my eye doctors tell me that while they're getting better able to correct astigmatism, they still wouldn't be enough for me. But the ones I wear now are comfortable, rarely hurt, my eyes almost never ache (though they do get tired after wearing them for 20 hours), and I can comfortably take lengthy naps with them in.

So I now have to adjust to new lenses that fit differently. Something about a "bulging cornea" that has a long name I don't remember. For years they treated it with rigid contact lenses that in essence pushed against the cornea. Now my new eye doctor in Arizona says I'm starting to get some scarring and says the new way of treating it is to not push against the cornea with contacts. Losing my sight would be unimaginable, frankly (and I admire the people who can handle it well), so I'll do whatever they say will be good for my sight. So here I am with new, differently fitting contacts.

As I write this, I don't have them in. My eyes didn't exactly hurt last night after wearing them for less than seven hours, but they were on the verge of hurting, if that makes sense. So I don't want to wear them for my usual all-day time today. I have to squint to see the writing on my laptop computer screen (or hold it up to five inches in front of my face), I have to squint to read my nearby desk clock, TV is a colorful blur, and I wouldn't dream of stepping outside my front door. It's extremely annoying and after awhile I usually get a headache from the strain.

...which brings me to...gratitude.

I am so grateful when I take the time to reflect on everything I've got that I assume will be there every day, everything I take for granted will be there. I can breathe on my own. I can walk. I can talk. My fingers work. I can see (usually well, thanks to my contacts). The power is on. My house is standing and dry and secure. My car and possessions are safe. My phone works. I have food in the refrigerator. I am blessed.

Many times I have said that if we all threw our problems in a big pile, I'd knock anyone over to get to my own. I'm used to them, for one thing. And, I've got nothing to worry about compared to so many people.

So as I sit here with my fuzzy vision, I am thanking my lucky stars -- and God -- for my blessings. For one day, I vow not to lust after anything I don't already have. Except maybe for the courage to change the things I can.

Electronic Privacy? No Such Thing!

Recent investigations by media outlets have brought forth convincing evidence that advancing electronic technology has resulted in a disturbing consequence: virtually no electronic privacy.

Federal and local agencies are gathering all kinds of information on millions of innocent people without their knowledge, or even the knowledge of the courts to which they apply for warrants, investigations have revealed. The popular "Person of Interest" TV show doesn't seem so far-fetched after all.

The FBI has had its own team of hackers for some time, but lately has reportedly advertised its hacking services on LinkedIn, signifying that people really should no longer expect privacy. The bureau has had keystroke-level surveillance capabilities for many years and recently used malware designed to be automatically downloaded when one suspected terrorist logged on to his Yahoo account. (Due to several technical and nontechnical glitches, the malware never did what it was designed to do in this particular case. Yahoo said it was not aware of the malware and did nothing to enable it.)

Through the efforts of its Remote Operations Unit, the FBI can hack into computers and smartphones, turning on microphones and webcams for surveillance purposes without the user being aware of it. Chris Soghoian, principal technologist at the American Civil Liberties Union, investigated the issue for six months (mainly through Google and LinkedIn) and found several references to the FBI's hacking abilities. His research led to a Wall Street Journal expose in August.

"Tower Dump"

Federal and local agencies also have been using advanced technology to gather information on people's location through their cell phones even when they are idle. Using a tactic called "tower dump," the agencies get phone companies to dump thousands of records of cell phone serial numbers from towers near certain crime scenes. Cell phones transmit their serial numbers to the towers as they use them, allowing agencies to track routes and locations of people via their phones. Phone companies charge thousands of dollars to tower dump, so it is costly to employ that, regardless of privacy concerns.

A lengthy investigation by USA Today and Gannett newspapers and TV stations has revealed that about one-quarter of 125 local law enforcement agencies surveyed have an International Mobile Subscriber Identity tracking device with the brand name of StingRay (or its equivalent) that mimics a cell phone tower and tricks cell phones into transmitting their serial numbers. The devices are mobile and generally travel in vehicles parked near a crime scene. They provide only locations of the cell phones and cannot intercept data or phone conversations. The issue is that no warrant is involved.

Legal Snag

Unlike land lines, cell phone conversations are not protected by law; legally speaking, there is no expectation of privacy when using cell phones. Therefore, agencies are not obligated to report that they are listening in or locating people through their cell phones. And, they don't. "We have no ability to really know what the government is doing, and that's very problematic," Denise Maes, of the ACLU in Colorado, told KUSA-TV's Jeremy Jojola in a recent story on the subject.

Federal government agencies remain mum on their hacking and tracking devices, and local agencies -- the few that will talk openly about them -- defend the practice by saying only "the bad guys" are at risk.

Yeah. Don't count on it.

Why I Love Facebook

I get to see what a bunch of positive, fun folks are up to.
I get to "like" a whole bunch of people, projects, companies, comments and fun stuff.
I get to empathize when people are going through tough stuff.
I get instant support when I need it.
I get to laugh a lot.
I get to keep up with dear friends, pals and colleagues that I ordinarily wouldn't be in touch with very often.
I get to share my good and bad news and stuff that makes me laugh with people, some of whom appreciate it. :-)
I get to get in on discussions, some of which are dumb and fun, some of which tackle serious issues.
I get news that I might not get elsewhere or I get it first there.
I get GREAT comments from people I know and, often, their friends.
I get to see lots of pictures of my friends and their families and friends.
I get to keep up with people when they live in other countries.
I get to participate and play in private groups of people from several of my diverse worlds.
I get to learn from people like Mark David Gerson and Larry Broughton and Dr. Wayne W. Dyer and Craig Duswalt and Brendon Burchard.
I get to read and comment on blogs by Lawrence Block and Danny Davis and Jane Fonda and Sue Grafton. Some of them respond right away, which only increases my love for and loyalty to them.
I get to tell people I love them even if I don't use those exact words.
All of the above = Priceless!

Living Alone? You're Not Alone!

On today's CBS Sunday Morning, a segment aired on the phenomenon of 32.7 million Americans who are now living alone, up from just 4 million in 1950. New York University sociologist Eric Klinenberg called it "the greatest social change of the last 60 years that we have failed to name or identify."

Journalist Susan Spencer (from 48 Hours) anchored the piece, which ran about six and a half minutes. It started out with Greta Garbo in the 1932 movie Grand Hotel exclaiming, "I want to be alone. I just want to be alone." Spencer cites statistics: Of the nearly 33 million loners, nearly half (48.3%) are between ages 35 and 64, and a third (34.5%) are 65 and over. Women outnumber men 17.2 million to 13.9 million. Women do pretty well living alone, says Klinenberg, "...whereas for men, it's much more likely that they'll wind up feeling lonely or unhappy or isolated." (I can almost hear the women out there rolling their eyes and saying, "Oh yeah, big surprise.)

Well, I am one of the roughly one in seven Americans who live alone. And I love it!

One man in the piece does not love it. "There's nothing worse than being sick by yourself," lamented 40-year-old New Yorker Jeff Ragsdale. "You're lying in bed watching the world go by and wondering, you know, how did I get so alone." He actually put up flyers with his phone number on it inviting people to call "Jeff, one lonely guy." He claims to have received "close to 70,000" calls from all around the world. Must be fascinating, talking to all of those people. (Much as I love peeling the onion with people to uncover what's underneath, after a short time that would have me running around in small circles, wildly waving my arms and screaming.) And, how is he making money since that's virtually a full-time job? Well, he's writing a book, so there you have it.

I live in an age-55-plus active adult apartment building, and I'd guess that between one third and one half of the residents here live alone. Not surprising. What did surprise me were stats that roughly 40% of households in San Francisco, Seattle, Denver and Cleveland are made up of just one person. And in Manhattan, single-person households comprise nearly half of all households. Wow! I lived in Manhattan for 12 years, worked there for 16, and that even surprised me.

So what's so great about living alone? Klinenberg calls single household occupants "indispensable" because "they go out in the world like no one else does." Yep. I go to many places by myself that many people would be embarrassed or reticent to tackle alone. Restaurants. Movies. Concerts. Trips (I pay extra for my own hotel room or ship cabin, even when I'm traveling with a group.) Gatherings of all kinds where couples are the predominant attendees. No problem. I just take a book or my Kindle with me when appropriate (and sometimes when it isn't) and I'm good.

It does drive me a little nuts when the host/hostess at a restaurant greets me with "Just one?" But I also regluarly hear that when it is "Just two?" Sometimes, it's also "Just three?" and even, believe it or not, "Just four?" I think it's a rude question no matter what.

I know I'm not "normal," loving living alone. I revel in my independence. I've always lived near all of the highways, airports and train stations that can get me away. I delight in making my own decisions, deciding my own schedules, knowing that I alone am responsible for so many things. I love being able to do what I want whenever I want, including making the big life-changing decisions. I can change my life completely in 30 days if I choose to, with no one else to have to convince, argue with or betray. I don't have to ask anyone if I can do something, deceive or lie to anyone about what I spend, or work around their schedules on a regular basis. I never have to compromise unless I want to. I am a free spirit and I can live that way!

Children are another subject entirely, one I'm not going to tackle here. I have no children living at home, or anywhere else for that matter. I have a grown step-daughter but we haven't lived together for decades.

Yes, sometimes I envy some of my friends who have a man to take care of them, financially support them and fix things around the house. But I also have friends who are the main (if not the sole) breadwinner, who are the ones to fix things and who have to take care of their ailing or just grumpy husband. I like my life and I hope they like theirs. I just know that if we all threw our troubles into a pile, I don't know about them but I'd fight anyone to retrieve my own.

Meanwhile, I get to decide for myself how I want to spend my Sunday. The possibilities are endless....

Keeping It Off Ain't So Easy

Two months ago, I'd lost 50 pounds since October 2011. Best thing I've done for myself in years! The Beta HCG Diet works well for me -- I lost 25 pounds in Round 1 and another 25 pounds in Round 2. (See previous posts.) Keeping the first 25 off was easy-peasy. I ate what I wanted and kept off the pounds, including after some of my not-so-great, late-night sugar pig-outs (or at least piglet-outs). The second 25 are lurking like the monster in the closet, watching and waiting for me to fall backward, deep into the pit of my bad habits.

I'm a carb-aholic. If sugar is one of the first ingredients, I'm in! Maybe food-aholic is a better term. I've been known to keep snarfing down at one time more, uh, fill in the blank: cookies, ice cream, popcorn, cereal, french fries, fried chicken, pasta...than would be normal for any three meals. I learned early on after losing my second 25 pounds that I can't do that anymore. The penalties are swift and severe. I gained back 9 pounds.

The cardinal rule in the Beta HCG Diet (and many diets, probably) is to weigh yourself every morning at the same time and address the weight gain immediately after gaining two pounds. I didn't do that for about a week and I ate like a human vacuum cleaner. So I blew it. And then I got scared. I just cannot and will not go back to the morbidly obese, miserable person who needed a crane to lift her up off of the couch. But what to do?

Along came ViSalus. A good friend called me and sold me on the idea of going with supposedly delicious, nutritious shakes as meal substitutes. I've not found shakes to be particularly flavorful or satisfying in the past (other than Atkins shakes, which I used to have for breakfast, which I liked a lot but that was years ago), so I was skeptical. But he's a persuasive guy so I said yes. I not only said yes to trying them but also to getting into the business, which is "network marketing," aka multi-level marketing, which I've never been fond of. But I did it and waited for my shakes to arrive.

A few days later, my starter box arrived and I couldn't wait to try the shakes that supposedly taste like cake mix. They actually are good! Very good, in fact. They don't have that grainy texture - they're smooth and creamy and yummy. And I find that the shakes keep me unhungry for four or five hours most of the time, though I still have to fight my I'm-deprived mindset that most addicts have. Yes, I am an addict. A carb addict. Adding fruit (bananas, blueberries, strawberries, etc.) or other flavors (lots of recipes online) helps that mindset and gives me the variety that keeps me engaged.

So far I'm very sloppy when it comes to discipline in having the shakes every day. I had one for lunch today and one for lunch yesterday but it was a few days for the one before that. But regardless of my haphazard program, I've lost 5 of the 9 pounds I'd gained back. Yahoo!

I checked with my holistic M.D., Dr. Pieter DeWet, and he endorses the shakes (and just got into the business end of it himself, even). So I will use the ViSalus shakes to lose the last 4 pounds I've recently gained back, and then I want to go back on Beta HCG in July to lose the next 20 or 25 pounds. That takes about 6 weeks total. I'm quite excited that he said he thinks we can use the ViSalus shakes as meal replacements while taking the HCG, at least some of the time. It'll take some of the brutality out of the HCG regime.

Then I want to go back on the ViSalus shakes once a day to maintain the weight loss. Everyone does things differently and good for them. I think this will work for me. Ironically, to actually lose the weight, it's easier for me to go on the very drastic Beta HCG Diet than it is to go the shakes-and-moderation route. I just don't do "moderation" well at all. But I think I can be less piggy with the shakes, as long as I weigh myself every day and don't let myself gain back more than 2 pounds. (A friend who tried the shake today and liked it also intends to have the shakes for maintenance, which is great since she only wants to lose about 5 pounds. Ah, envy!)

All programs suggest - strongly suggest - combining exercise with eating healthful food. Ooooh, I've avoided that like I'd get sick if I went that route. But tomorrow I'm going to meet a friend at a gym who will help me figure out a regime of cardio and strength training and then it will be up to me to stick with it. Wish me luck!

Changing my lazy, piggy habits is harder than anything I've done in a long time. Years. Decades. But I don't want to end up dead or debilitated after a stroke or heart attack, so exercise and eating better are mandatory at this point. (You can just hear my enthusiasm, can't you?)

I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I just have to get my focus off of myself and on to something productive or on doing something good for someone else and this hunger/addiction/resistance stuff will diminish. And I have to...just start! So now it's nearly 1:00 a.m. and I have to get up at 7:00 to get to the gym, so here I go. Stay tuned.

P.S. I am not the pushy type or the hustling type and I don't do cheerleader-level enthusiasm convincingly. But if you'd like to try the ViSalus shakes and look into the ViSalus 90-Day Challenge, let me know or click here. Hey, why not?!

Beta HCG Diet - How I Got Through 2 Rounds and Lost 50 Pounds

Today is my last day of Round 2 of the Beta HCG diet. It's been a long haul. Since January 25, I've had 500 calories a day. That's 41 days, 41 days of living on this twice a day: 3.5 precooked ounces of protein (limited list), 1 vegetable (limited list), 1 fruit (strawberries, orange, apple or grapefruit), 1 piece of melba toast. And no oil ingested or applied to skin. And, most importantly, an application of Beta HCG cream on my body six days a week. Pretty sparse. Between mid-October and early December, I did the same thing. Each time, I lost 25 pounds for a total of 50.

How did I do it?

I have proven to myself over and over that I can't do "moderation." I am much better at "black and white." Yes or no. I can have it or I can't. The Beta HCG Diet is an extremely structured diet. Very strict guidelines of what I can eat and how much of it. And it has a finite number of days that it goes on. It's all quite black and white. They say we can do anything for a day. There were times that I needed that one-day-at-a-time mentality, or, more accurately, one bite at a time, to get through these 41 days. Many times I chewed food I didn't want, often with a grimace. Just a few more bites, I'd tell myself.

I had the support of friends and the crucial guidance and supervision of a doctor who specializes in holistic medicine, Dr. Pieter DeWet at the Quantum Healing Institute in Tyler, Texas. I found Dr. D through someone who lost some 70 pounds on the program, and I saw the startling difference in him "before" and "after." The timing was right for me to be receptive and interested, which later turned into being locked in and committed. Fortunately, I had no negative effects from the HCG cream or the diet itself.

Once I started the diet, having devoured the entire manuscript by Dr. Simeons, who developed the Beta HCG Diet, I was scared to death to go off of it or deviate from the strict limitations. I didn't want to undo all of the good I was doing, I didn't want to go back to my old, unhealthy way of eating, and I didn't want to keep carrying around a lot of excess weight.

This is a tough diet. I can't emphasize that enough. You have to REALLY WANT IT to stay on it for 41 days in a row with no break whatsoever. I REALLY wanted the results, and I somehow made it through -- twice. (Before you criticize the diet, as I initially did myself, please read Dr. Simeons' manuscript so you understand the background and logic behind it.)

At this point, on my 41st day, today, I am so ready to be released from the limitations of 500 calories and eight small, small items of food each day. It's been a mental challenge, not a physical one. The HCG kept my body from getting hungry. Truly. But I'm so glad I did it.

I've lost 50 pounds on these two rounds of the diet, 25 on Round 1 and 25 on Round 2. The second 25 pounds are the ones that made the huge difference in how I look, how I feel and what I can wear. I lost the weight in the right places, i.e., all over. I feel so much better now. I can get up from a chair much more easily. I can tie my shoes and put on socks without struggling for breath. I look better, more "normal," less morbidly obese. My doctor says that to get where I want to be weightwise, I should go on two more rounds of the diet. I would love to drop another 50 pounds and be truly "normal." We'll see. I want to get through this round fully first.

My work, actually, is just beginning if I am to maintain the loss I've achieved. For the next three weeks, I can eat what I want except for sugars, starches and grains. Then I can add pretty much anything into my diet, because my weight will be "locked in" to a new set point, meaning my weight will want to stay there even if I overeat sometimes. However, I have to be vigilant. I have to weigh myself every day and take immediate action if I gain more than two pounds. I gained zero pounds between Round 1 and Round 2 and I truly did eat what I wanted. But I am going for health, not just weight, so I want to focus on that.

I can just say that I am thrilled to be able to live in a body that feels so much more normal and more like "me" than I have in many years. I'll let you know how I do. Stay tuned.

Beta HCG Diet - Down 2 Sizes!

Yesterday I went to lunch with a friend who's a fashionista. She informed me that my jeans were so loose that they made grandma jeans look stylish. Baggy and saggy, they just won't do.

I still have a week left on Round 2 of this Beta HCG diet, but I'd think that would only make a handful of pounds difference at the most. So I bit the bullet and hiked over to Nordstrom to the Not Your Daughter's Jeans section. Love them. Live in them.

Took both one size down and two sizes down into my dressing room and, ever the optimist, tried on the two-sizes-down ones first. They fit! OMG! I was so excited! I even showed the sales gal and asked her if they looked okay just to make sure. They look great, she enthused. So I bought the jeans in blue and black.

So...just a little over a week left in this round, and then for the next three weeks I can eat what I want except for sugars, starches and grains. Ooooooh, I'll be able to eat eggs again. And cheese. And a whole portion of meat, fish, chicken, etc., instead of having to stop at 3.5 oz. precooked. I'll be able to mix vegetables and have them sauteed or smothered in cheese sauce. Oh, bliss!

I'm most looking forward to making omelettes again. Lovely, fluffy cheese omelettes. I got quite good at making them between Rounds 1 and 2 of this diet. I actually have been waking up fantasizing about being able to eat them again. Hey, I'm a cheap fantasizer. No Dom Perignon fantasies for me.

This round has been easier than Round 1. I felt good the whole time, never felt weak like I did the first time around. I had the whole drill down pat. My hands got scarily chapped -- since I couldn't use any hand cream with oils in them -- and my doctor recommended "by Valenti" products. I ordered "organic body butters" in almonds & coconut and cacao & vanilla. Love them both! And my knuckles aren't bleeding anymore. The body butters are greasy, literally like butter, though it's not really grease -- it's just shiny -- and after it's soaked in a bit, I wipe the excess off.

So now I've lost 49 pounds since October. I'll surpass 50 for sure by next week. Awesome!

I feel soooooo much better with those pounds gone. I last weighed this 15 years ago.

Of course, I want to look like I did 15 years ago. But nature has seen fit to drop some things lower that were higher then, which is a bit discouraging. And my stomach is still muffin-y. I haven't really been able to (or been willing to) exercise while on this very restrictive diet. But once it's over, I'll get back to it and hopefully getting some fitness back will get some of that toned look back.

People are asking me if/when I'm going back on the diet. My response is, who knows? I am taking things one step at a time. I didn't know I could do a Round 2 until the last couple of weeks of Round 1 (6 weeks long). This time I have to wait more weeks before starting another round, and I can't imagine doing this in the summer, so we'll see. I want my body to get used to the 50-pound loss before going further. Fifty pounds is a lot!

I'm thrilled. I'm not done yet but for the moment, I'm just getting through one more week, adhering STRICTLY to the post-HCG plan to lock in my new "set point," the weight my body wants to stay at kind of by default, and loving not only my new smaller-size jeans but also some clothes I love (timeless ones) that I can finally wear again. La de da! Stay tuned.

Beta HCG Diet - The Deprivation Pity Party

I've just passed the midpoint of this brutal Beta HCG diet. You have to really want this to go through it, I tell you. And I do.

But...today I had a deprivation pity party most of the day. I was physically hungry, which doesn't happen very often. I was hungry Sunday also, but I was at a surprise birthday party for a good friend where there was tons of luscious food, all the more luscious because I couldn't have it. I brought my own orange, shrimp and melba toast, and it's a good thing because nearly everything on the long buffet table was drowned in something wonderful that I couldn't have. Then the next day I was totally disinterested in food all day and had to force myself to eat.

This is a strange diet. Or, I have a strange body. Or both.

At Costco when I went to buy lump crab a week and a half ago, I bought a red net bag full of 28 mini Babybel cheeses, which I love and can only get in small red nets that hold 6 at my local Giant grocery store. In fact, I bought two of the big nets, because I want them there when I can eat them and they last a long time. Every time I open the fridge, they call my name clearly, sweetly and loudly. I simply can't WAIT to be able to eat cheese again, and eggs, and more than one vegetable at a time -- with butter or some kind of sauce. But I will wait.

I'm sure this self pity is compounded by the fact that I haven't lost a pound since last Friday. I've done everything right that whole time. Grrrr. I lost 15 pounds the first two and a half weeks, which was astonishing. I could practically feel the pounds melting away. So maybe being stuck for a week is just my body adjusting. If it goes on much longer, though, I'll...I'll what? I'll call my doctor who is an HCG expert and ask him what to do. But I have faith that tomorrow or the next day I'll be back on my downward slide.

I take heart by wearing clothes I bought a long time ago "because I planned on losing weight." Ha! Some are brand new with tags. They never looked good on me but they fit just dandy now.

This is just a little emotional temper tantrum and, like a three-year-old, just leave me alone and I'll get over it.

Stay tuned.

Beta HCG Diet - 2-1/2 Weeks into Round 2

Round 2 of the Beta HCG Diet for me is a whole 'nuther animal compared to Round 1. So far...all good!

The first few days on Round 1 I felt lightheaded and on the edge of nauseous. On Round 2, I had one day of pretty severe lightheadedness, to the extent that I called my doctor, Pieter DeWet at the Quantum Healing Institute, and together we figured out that I needed to stop taking my blood pressure medicine. I've felt fine ever since.

In Round 1 my HCG came from a homeopathic spray, which is not a prescription. That was necessary because I hadn't yet seen Dr. DeWet in person. I went to him in December and spent a day at his clinic and had a bunch of blood and other tests, so at that point he could prescribe the cream for me for the second round. Whether it's that the cream works so much better or I'm just in a better frame of mind and body this time around, Round 2 is so much easier for me than Round 1 was. For one thing, I know what to do, what to expect and how to do the diet. I also found some HCG-compliant recipes that make all the difference, especially one of the salad dressings. I really, really don't like a lot of the (not that many) vegetables I can eat and anything that helps in that area is good with me.

The results so far have been stunning. In two and a half weeks, I've lost 15 pounds. And that's on top of 25 I lost in the first round. Amazing. I'm fitting into clothes that either I couldn't wear before or they looked awful on me. I feel good since I'm free of the sugar and junk that was in my system. I don't feel weak and tired like I did during Round 1. And, I'm just now, after losing 40 pounds, starting to see a semblance of my "old" face coming back, the one that wasn't all fat all the time.

I have little interest in food much of the time. I forget to eat. I always wondered what that would be like. It used to happen once or twice a year but this is frequent. What a novel concept: eating to live, not living to eat. I doubt that I'll be "reformed" like that very much longer once I end the HCG, but it's refreshing for the moment.

My hands are so dry during the winter dryness and after washing them frequently that they're actually bleeding around my knuckles. On HCG I can't use lotions with oil in them because they stop the HCG from working. I learned that the hard way on Round 1 when I forgot and used some several times the last week of the diet and didn't lose a pound. It didn't occur to me until after the diet. I called Dr. D's office and they suggested organic products like By Valenti Organics' almonds and coconut body butter. I went to my local health food store tonight in search of it and found something similar but wanted to compare the ingredients so now that I've done that, I'll go back tomorrow and pick some up.

So what's living on 500 calories per day like? This time around, it's painless. I can find something to eat no matter where I go. One of my friends is a great cook and made chicken pot pie to die for when four of us went over to celebrate one's birthday. Once the host promised me a doggie bag to freeze for when I can eat it, I was fine eating the asparagus she fixed for me and the sliced steak I brought with me, left over from lunch the day before at Greystone Grill. Most days I have to remind myself to eat all of the eight things I am allotted each day. Now, at midnight, for instance, I still have a fruit to eat before I go to bed. Tonight it will be an apple.

But I do react almost carnally to some of the foods I normally love when commercials for them come on TV. It's mental, not physical. But then that's been the challenge all along, my head.

I still have three and a half weeks to go of the low-calorie diet plus HCG, and then another three weeks of no sugars, starches or grains. But at least I will be able to eat eggs, cheese, more than one vegetable at a time and a whole steak or piece of chicken at one sitting. That will be bliss! So, I can certainly hang in for three more weeks of this strict part of the diet. It already is well worth it! Stay tuned.

Dunkin' Donuts, Baskin-Robbins, Pizza Hut -- Strange Way to Start a Diet

Tomorrow I start Round 2 of the Beta HCG Diet. For a week, I've been planning for my first two days on the diet. I've been plotting my ice cream (Baskin-Robbins pralines 'n cream), my donuts (Dunkin' Donuts), my pizza (Pizza Hut because it's closest), my sausage for my omelettes (Jimmy Dean maple flavored), my cookies (Pepperidge Farm soft peanut butter) and my chocolate (Milky Way fun size).

On a diet???

Let me back up a minute....

I finished Round 1 the day before Thanksgiving. I couldn't eat any starches, sugars or grains for three weeks after that and have been eating whatever I want ever since then. And, amazingly enough, I weigh exactly what I weighed after 40 days on the diet during Round 1. Which is to say that I'm down 25 pounds from what I weighed in September. Fabulous!

Tomorrow morning I start applying the HCG cream once a day. After enough of it gets into my bloodstream, after three applications, I'll be living on a mere 500 calories a day for the next 40 days. I will eat from a very limited list of four kinds of foods: proteins, vegetables, fruits and a tiny bit of starch in the form of Melba Toast. But I won't be hungry. The HCG releases the fat from abnormal fat cells (the fat we don't want) to make up the difference. So the diet calls for loading up on fats for the first two days. Gorging, in fact. Exactly why is complicated so I won't go into it. (For the entire explanation of the diet in the words of the man who originated it, click here.) I just know from Round 1 that it all works.

During Round 1, I stuck to the letter of the diet for the entire nine weeks -- six weeks of "diet" and three weeks of anything except sugars, starches and grains. The regime reset my "set point," the weight I stay at more or less no matter what. My default weight, if you will. And it worked for me. So I'm back for Round 2 to lose another (hopefully) 20-25 pounds. All under the watchful eye of Dr. Pieter DeWet, a holistic physician.

Since it's supposed to be icy-rainy tonight into tomorrow, I loaded up tonight. It's all in the kitchen waiting for me. I've sampled a few of the items tonight, just a few bites, but am saving the mandated "gorging" for tomorrow and Tuesday. I'm looking forward to being able to eat everything in sight, but I know from Round 1 that by the second day, I'll be oh so ready to end that.

What I'm really looking forward to is being back on the program, feeling healthy and losing more of the way-too-many pounds I've managed to gain over the last two decades. I'll blog about it all as I progress, as I did the first time around. Cross your fingers for me!

Christmas Reds, Greens and Blues

It's Christmas Eve. I see reds and greens everywhere and my heart warms to joys of the holiday season. Since I was a little girl, Christmas has been the most special time of the year. My parents blew it out at Christmas, and I joined in when I became an adult. Our tree had more presents under it than that of most large families, and there were just the three of us, my mom and dad and me.

We had the presents part of Christmas figured out in a way that worked for all of us. We spent a lot of money every year, but we bought things for each other that we needed and/or wanted and probably would have bought anyway. It was all very practical, though we all tried to give one present that was a surprise, some fairly spectacular, some not. Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were times of closeness and laughter, and I treasure those memories.

Most of all, our Christmas present opening was a great, FUN experience every year. I usually played Santa Claus, i.e., handed everyone their presents in turn. My mom would get carried away with each gift, wanting to examine it or play with it or try it on, and we had to hurry her along. My dad and I were more like "thanks -- I'll look at this in depth later; what's next?" Our eyes were bright with anticipation, just like kids', even if we pretty much knew what we were getting. We opened presents in the old German tradition, on Christmas Eve -- my dad was German and that's the way his family did it. After he died in 1994, my mom and I shifted that to Christmas morning the first year but went right back to Christmas Eve the next year. It just felt right for us.

I used to like going to church on Christmas Eve but as my parents got older they wanted to open the packages earlier and were irritated at having to wait so long so I stopped going. It only felt like a sacrifice the first year or so; I saw how happy it made my folks to have our family time uninterrupted. We'd put on Christmas music and get our (non-alcoholic) drinks, stake out our places in the living room where we could pile up our goodies as we opened them, and we'd usually be finished by anywhere between 9:30 and 11:00. Every year we'd shake our heads in amazement and comment, "What a Christmas!" We knew we were blessed.

When my mom met the man who would be her companion for 11 years until she passed away in 2009, it only took one off-target Christmas and by the next one we had him trained. The three of us had a decade of pretty incredible Christmases, not just because of the presents but also because of being together and all of us pitching in to get our traditional turkey dinner on the table, thanks in part to the pre-prepped dinners from one of the local grocery stores, which were pretty darn good! Even doing the dishes together was a bonding holiday experience.

Such totally grand memories of Christmases all of my life! I spent every single Christmas of my life with both of my parents until my dad died and then with my mom until she died. So Christmas of 2009 was quite a shock. It was like going from 100 miles an hour to hitting a big, nasty, immovable Jersey barrier. My mom had passed away less then two months prior to that and it was sad and empty without her. Deeply, gut-level sad. I was also still in shock. I have great friends and that helped.

This year, however, I decided not to travel to see my good friends in Phoenix as I have in years past. (Phoenix is where my mom lived; I lived there myself for a decade, and I have fabulous friends there.) So on Christmas Eve, tonight, I went solo to the Cheesecake Factory, which is so close by that I walked to it. Dinner was delicious and the holiday din of fellow diners felt festive while I ate and read my Kindle.

Christmas Day I have no plans. I turned down invitations to some folks' homes, some in other states. I don't mind being alone. I'd rather be alone than be with somebody else's family -- it would make me miss mine even more. The exception has been my good, good friend in Phoenix where I've spent the last two Christmases, and I do miss her and her family, who all treat me like I am an honorary member. But, like I said, I am not traveling this Christmas.

So along with the reds and greens of Christmas, there are a few blues. As I was walking to dinner, I was grateful for all of the loving, blessed Christmases I've had with my family over the years (just two with a husband, and we were with my parents both of those Christmases). The memories of all those years together mute the blues. I feel like even though my incredible parents are gone and I miss them down to my toes, I am in the light. And, it's not blue. Merry Christmas, everybody.

Beta HCG Diet - 30 Days After Round 1

Being on such a limited menu of foods for 40 days stretched me nearly beyond my limits of discipline. I've always had a way too emotional relationship with food and so to have to adjust my mindset and tastebuds to "eat to live" was challenging. I vow to climb out of my comfort zone in Round 2 and actually whip up some of the HCG-compliant recipes that I've found. Just making two of the salad dressings made a huge difference. Even if I didn't love them like I do that great, creamy ranch dressing, they made plain lettuce palatable. Not being able to mix vegetables is a killer but I stuck to the plan pretty much down to the letter. That's why I lost 25 pounds in 40 days.

Now that I'm past the three weeks post-HCG when I couldn't eat grains, sugars or starches, I'm finding that "maintenance" is almost more flexibility than I can handle. Actually, there's no "almost" about it. I am having a very tough time.

The sugar-saturated foods left over after my two "gorge" days mandated just before starting the HCG sat on my dining room table and in my freezer for the entire Round 1 of the diet and through the three weeks of no grains, sugars or starches. They didn't tempt me or bother me in the least. Ah, but practically the minute those restrictions were lifted, suddenly those foods -- fun-size Milky Ways, Godiva caramel chocolates, Haagen Dazs ice cream -- called my name. Loudly and often. I succumbed slowly at first but by late last week I was outright pigging out on them. Not as bad as pre-HCG but definitely in the range that would pack back on the pounds. Those temptations are gone now and I am not replacing them any time soon.

In the last week or so I've felt compelled to seek out many of the foods I couldn't have during Round 1. The melt-in-your-mouth bread at Longhorn. A burger at Red Robin. A Grand Slam at Denny's. Chicken fetuccini at Olive Garden. Cornbread at I-can't-remember-where. Saltines with my swiss cheese. Whole wheat toast with my over-easy eggs. I haven't gone back to Dannon coffee yogurt, my favorite favorite favorite, because I'm afraid I won't be able to stop.

So today I had an "apple day," as suggested on the HCG diet to get my body turned around again. (I can eat up to six apples but that's all. I ate four.) I do not want to gain back the weight I lost. We'll see if all of this week-long misbehaving and the subsequent apple day are enough to get those mad desires out of my system.

I've historically done well on the Atkins diet. It's satisfying and I like the foods I can eat. I've never liked enough of the fruits and veggies on the South Beach diet to consider that, even though I think it's healthier and more sensible than Atkins. I may revisit that.

All I know is that this is an exercise in re-examining my relationship with food and the accompanying feelings. I love sugar and the foods it's in. I LOVE it, always have. To break up with it would be like being married to a man I'm in love with and have great chemistry with but he's a raging alcoholic. I decide to end the relationship for my health and sanity but he keeps living in the house and I keep hoping he'll quit drinking. He doesn't. That's what it's like when I think about severing my relationship with sugar. I don't know if I can do it and I don't know if I can finally reach "moderation" with it. I never have been able to before.

So after my apple day, I plan to get back to the eating I want for my ongoing lifestyle. I truly want a different relationship with food. I don't want to be "on a diet" other than when I'm on Round 2 (and maybe Round 3) of the Beta HCG diet. I am very clear that I need to look at how I feel about food, how attached I am to food, especially certain foods. Today on the apple day, the little kid inside me kept whining and crying for food beyond apples. I wasn't physically hungry but the emotional side of me was in pain. I will look at all of that. Just not tonight. Stay tuned.

Beta HCG Diet -- One Week After Round 1

My last day of eating 500 calories a day was the day before Thanksgiving. Since Thanksgiving, I've slowly been eating more, though still avoiding grains, sugars and starches. Yup, everything I used to live on.

The great news is that I haven't gained a pound since the last day of Round 1 of the Beta HCG Diet. The other great news is that I'm wearing clothes I had stuck way back in my closet. Losing 25 pounds on this body doesn't make a HUGE difference. Spitting in the ocean comes to mind. But it's a start and it is significant in that it's been quite awhile since I've lost any weight, let alone 25 pounds.

The bad news is... well, let's wait on that.

At first I was scared to eat anything beyond my skimpy portions of food that Round 1 required. For one thing, I wasn't hungry. Even now, a week later, when I can eat whenever I'm hungry, I often forget to eat and I never get ravenous. Today I had a small bowl of blueberries for breakfast, a piece of melba toast around 2:00 and seasoned, steamed shrimp and sesame-crusted rare tuna for dinner around 8:30. Since I am staying up late, I also had some string cheese dipped in a little hummus (ooooh, so good!) about 11:30 p.m. I missed veggies today but had some yesterday as well as some more fruit. Being able to have cheese again is bliss, and having cheese in eggs is super bliss. I've made an omelet nearly every day for a week. And I can eat the whole steak (Flo's Filet) at Longhorn. So great! So I'm delighted to be able to eat a much broader variety of foods and still not gain weight. I weigh every day and if/when I gain more than two pounds over my weight at the end of Round 1, I will have a "steak day" (just water until dinner and then a big steak, with an apple or tomato afterward) and supposedly that takes care of it.

Now for the bad news. My feet and ankles were swollen before going on HCG. They were badly swollen to the point where I completely gave up on wearing dresses, and I could find few shoes that fit me other than sandals of one sort or another. That's been the case for a good two or more years. Very discouraging to have elephant legs and feet. Cankles would be an upgrade. On the HCG diet, I got my feet and ankles back! I thought, "Hallelujia!" and thought it was because I was losing the weight. And I thought it was permanent. But...the minute the HCG was out of my system, even while I was still eating the 500 calories a day, the swelling came back. It is worse than ever! I want to stick a pin in each of my feet and let them deflate. Next week when I see the doctor I've been working with, I'll ask him what he thinks. But I'm sure not happy about that!

Also, the pain I suffered in my left knee (the one I've recently had arthroscopic surgery on) was intense for a couple of days and is somewhat challenging even now. Taking glucosamine and chondroitin seems to be helping. But that was a shock. I had zero pain after the surgery and was doing well while the HCG was surging through my system. Then nasty pain. I just hope it keeps backing off, and I am taking my vitamins faithfully to do my part.

The spectacular news is that I feel totally different about food. For the first time since probably 15 years ago when I went on the Atkins diet and gave up sweets, I have all of that crap out of my system and I don't crave it. I'd knock over old ladies for bread sometimes, but I've resisted it even when it's been on the table when I've been out with others. Mmmmm, that savory aroma of fresh, warm wheat bread in Longhorn was a little tough, and I have visions of Subway subs dancing in my head, but mostly that's about all I would kill for, and even that is only when it's in front of me or in a tv commercial. So I have hope that I truly am changing the way I eat. It's the only way this will work long term.

People tell me endlessly the odds of keeping the weight off. Nearly nil, they tell me. Not to torment me but I think to make me feel better if/when I gain it back. On this plan, gaining more than two pounds is not allowed and immediate action is prescribed, and I even have to travel with my scale to monitor it that closely. I can do that. I don't want to go back UP, that's for sure!

I know it's only been a week, but...so far, so good. Stay tuned!

Beta HCG Diet -- Re-entry Day 1: Painful!

Before I went on this diet 41 days ago, my feet were both swollen. I hoped that losing weight would help that. After a few days on the diet, the swelling was completely gone in my left foot and nearly gone in my right. I was delighted!

Two weeks before I went on the diet, I'd had arthroscopic knee surgery. I'd had zero pain. Zero. Unbelievable but true. I was a bit stiff when I got up from sitting for a long time but did okay in physical therapy and afterward so I thought I was doing great.

Yesterday was the last day I had any HCG in my system, which is why I could go back to eating more foods today. Yesterday my feet started swelling again. You've gotta be f*%&ing kidding, I thought. It has to be the HCG because I was still eating the same restrictive way until today after noon.

Also today my left knee hurt so much that I actually took my cane with me when I went out. For all these weeks I took no glucosamine and chondroiten, no Celebrex, no ibuprophen, no aspirin. Nuthin'. So apparently the HCG was doing good things for my knee, too, because without it -- and with that being the only change -- today my knee hurt incredibly much, a lot more than after my surgery, when I also wasn't taking anything. Why????

All day today I've been terrified that if I ate I'd gain a bunch of weight. It's Thanksgiving so I went out to eat. Went to a diner, of all things, because their dinner was much cheaper than a high-tone restaurant and I could get it the way I wanted it. Namely I could get it without stuffing, homemade mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes and pumpkin pie. Those are all things I don't think I could pass up at somebody's house because they'd be on the table and other people would be scarfing them down and I'd be looking at them with that pathetic, feed-me look that dogs give you when they look up at you with those big brown pools of pleading eyes. In the diner, the guy next to me was having eggs and french toast. The people on the other side of me were finishing their meal so I didn't have to see their full plates.

I had turkey and put 2/3 of it in my little plastic bag to take home. I'd intended to take half but found I was only hungry for about 1/3. I also put my whole helping of string beans in a ratatouille-like sauce in another little plastic bag. Can I even eat string beans or are they considered starches? I ate the florets of my helping of broccoli, and that was enough. I had maybe a tablespoon of the gravy I'd asked for on the side, maybe just a teaspoon. Just enough to take the edge off of the dryness of the plain turkey. The salad I probably enjoyed more than anything -- what a joy to eat lettuce AND tomatoes AND a tiny bit of ranch dressing all at once. Not sure if the ranch dressing is in the "okay" column of foods but I'd forgotten my HCG-compliant dressing (which I'm not wild about -- too tangy) so I went with it. The only other thing I ate all day was one little Babybel disk, which was sooo good, as I drove home from the store.

It's nice not to feel stuffed after a Thanksgiving meal. Can't remember when that last happened. And I survived passing up stuffing and the other usual trimmings. Pie doesn't appeal to me. Whew, is that a change from the old me! All of it! I love this and pray that I can keep it this way.

There are still some hours to go before today is over. I may eat some more turkey, and I may have a slice of mozzarella cheese. I think I'll be quite happy with that. And I'll hold my breath until I get on the scale tomorrow morning. I pray I don't gain weight. Given the promises of this diet, I'll be quite upset and disillusioned if I do. Stay tuned.

Beta HCG Diet - Now I Know Why I've Been Stuck!

I feel like an idiot! I haven't dropped more than one pound in a week and only one more in the few days before that. I've been doing all the right things and I couldn't figure it out.

Then yesterday it occurred to me: I've been using a great lotion, an after-sun lotion, since my skin started getting so dry when fall turned more to winter. It's only been the last week and a half or so that I've been using it. Didn't give it a thought.

But it clearly states in the diet info NOT to use anything with oils in it. I've not taken Vitamin E. I've given up butter with my lobster and my veggies. I've avoided lotions, which wasn't an issue because I didn't need them until recently and by then I'd forgotten that lotions have oils in them (if you can believe that a person could forget that). So I slathered the stuff on liberally.

So that's why I've been stuck. Damn!

I can't help but feel that I've wasted the last week or more -- 7 to 10 days -- of my precious 40 days on this diet. Yes, I've lost somewhere between 21 and 26 pounds, depending on from which point I count. But I had a goal in my head of 30 pounds and I was well on my way to that before I started using the lotion. Boo!

So now I know for next time. This round is over as of today. Round 2 starts at least eight weeks from now.

I've been off of HCG for three days and NOT hungry! Tomorrow, when the HCG is supposedly all out of my system, I can go back to eating in a much less restricted way. No grains, sugars or starches for three weeks. I can handle that. But, oh joy, I'll be able to add in a hugely expanded list of foods, including more meats and veggies, plus cheeses, sauces (yay butter!), eggs (oh goodie!) and dairy. Wow. The world will feel like my oyster! (Though I can't stomach oysters.) I will be on basically a high-protein, low-carb eating plan. Somewhere between Atkins and South Beach. Considering I used to live on the Mickey D's plan, this will be great progress!

The plan calls for a "steak day" or an "apple day" if I gain more than two pounds, and I'm supposed to do it on the very day I exceed the two pounds. (Steak day is eating nothing til evening and then a big 'ole steak. Apple day is eating up to six apples, drinking minimal water, and that's it for all of one day.) My "set point" (where weight is set to stay despite daily variations in food types and amounts) is supposed to be recalibrated with this diet as long as I don't blow it in the next three weeks or gain more than two pounds, and I'm hoping and praying it is.

I never want to go back to lugging around those 20-plus extra pounds. In fact, my goal is to get rid of another 25-ish by March in Round 2. So I'm on it, one day at a time.

Beta HCG Diet - Round 1 Winding Down

By next Sunday I'll be eating eggs and cheese for the first time in a month and a half, and I couldn't be more excited! I'm down nearly 25 pounds and am thrilled to be wearing clothes I haven't been able to wear (or I looked like stuffed sausage in them) for literally years. Round 1 is almost over. Whew!

Up until a couple of weeks ago, I couldn't IMAGINE going on to Round 2 on this diet. It's tough to do, tough to keep to when you travel, and very tough to do if you don't cook worth a darn. I'm not a bad cook but I am not used to cooking the way you need to on this diet. The food I could have (a very limited list) just didn't taste very good to me and many times I just kind of choked down meals with my eyes squinted and my mouth curled up (and not in a smile). Many vegetables I liked going into this I really hope I never see again. At least not by themselves.

Gee, who would've thought I'd be excited to eat broccoli again, and cauliflower? Zero desire for diet soda, which I used to live on. No craving for sweets, which in itself is miraculous! And I'm determined not to screw it up after I'm off of this diet. I didn't go through all of this to go back to my old eating habits.

So now that I've kind of got this eating plan down pat, I've only got a few days to go. I wish I could stay on it for awhile longer. (What?!?!? Who said that?) But I'm following doctor's orders and going only for the prescribed number of days. There'll be a minimum of six weeks before I can go on to Round 2. And I have to say, I'm eager for it. My first 25 pounds get me started but I want to lose that many again in Round 2.

What made the difference in hating the foods vs. now when I'm comfortable with it? For one thing, I am just in the habit of it all. I know better how to judge 3.5 ounces of meat or fish. I know how to order food in restaurants that is compliant (or nearly so). I bring my own little baggies to take food home with me, and I can cut off the parts I can't eat until another meal, slip them into the baggies and not have them on the plate reminding me of what I can't have. I've made some diet-compliant salad dressings so I can have greens in restaurants. HUGE difference there! Today I had steak and salad for lunch in a restaurant with a friend and it was yummy! And it was a big steak -- 12 ounces precooked -- so I have more for additional meals. Ah, life is good.

One complaint: Old London, if you think we aren't noticing that you have reduced the size of your melba toast by about 1/4, you are wrong! Nasty thing to do. Same package, same little packet size, but I have some "old" ones and the new ones are NOTICEABLY smaller! Screw you, Old London!

So now I am looking ahead to next Sunday when I can eat a wider variety of foods. OMG, am I looking forward to it! I'm also terrified on gaining weight when I do but with still stepping on the scales every day, I will be able to kick in to correction mode if I gain two pounds. (I'll explain that someday if/when I have to do it, and no, it's nothing gross.) For three weeks, I can't have grains, sugars or starches, but I am so excited about being able to eat eggs, cheese, creams, sauces and more than one veggie at a time that I don't care. I admit to drooling over bread but I can wait another three weeks for that.

One of the advantages of this diet, which I really hope holds true for me, too, is that it's supposed to recalibrate my "setpoint," or the weight that is "normal" for me to be at pretty much all of the time despite eating ups and downs. Fingers crossed for that!

Thank you, my friends, pals and random readers, for your comments, cheers and prayers for me during this not-always-fun time of changing my life. I truly appreciate it.

Beta HCG -- Satisfaction, Surprisingly

After whining off and on about all of the savory foods I am missing as I go through this Beta HCG Diet, I realized something surprising tonight.

Here's what happened. I went to Applebees in search of dinner from my limited menu of allowable foods. I ordered a big ole steak, medium rare, and the vegetable medley (had to get the medley to get what I could eat), with a side order of grilled shrimp. I figured I could eat all of one-third of the steak and I'd take the rest of it plus the shrimp home for tomorrow and Sunday. I had been drooling over the yummy-looking chicken fetuccini, loaded cheeseburger with fries and other hearty meals as I perused the menu. I also watched the couple in the booth next to me chowing down on full plates and eating everything on them. They were laughing and enjoying their dinners and each other.

Then my food came. I ate my third of a steak and picked the zucchini out of the veggie medley. I took the annoying tails off of the shrimp but didn't take a bite or even lick my fingers. It didn't take me long to eat what I did and I had a lot of food left. It looked good and I could've eaten more; I wanted to eat more. But I knew what I was "allowed" and I stopped.

The waitress brought me two little boxes for my steak and shrimp. I have taken to bringing plastic sandwich bags and snack bags with me to restaurants and packing my leftovers into them before putting them into the take-out boxes. There's less spillage and the food stays more moist. (I've soaked the bottom of my purse and several things inside too many times when those little boxes have leaked. Yecccch!)

So after the food was no longer visible, I sat back and realized that I actually felt satisfied! I wasn't hungry. I felt satiated. I didn't need more or even particularly want more now that it wasn't right in front of me. I didn't feel stuffed as I have so often as I left restaurants. I felt good. I was surprised. Something to remember as I keep going on this journey. There's hope...!

Junk Food and Me: We're Separated, Not Divorced

Today was Day 27 for me on the Beta HCG Diet. I've lost 18 pounds. My clothes that had fit way too tightly now fit more like they're supposed to. And in general I feel so much better than I did 18 pounds ago. Every day is easier than the day before. I have another almost two weeks to go and then I slowly go back to eating food, just not the food I was eating before.

Last night I went to the grocery store -- hungry. Never a good idea but I knew I wouldn't buy any junk because I'm pretty immune right now to temptation. My behavior I can control. But my desires...well, that's a different story.

I longed for so many foods as I went around picking up what I needed. Crusty bread. Large, fluffy crackers. Colorful vegetable soup with fat noodles. Cheese of all varieties. Oh, for some cheese! I made it out okay, then went to dinner and was fine.

Then I came home and saw commercial after commercial on TV for things they make look so good. Pepperoni pizza with extra cheese. Sloppy, juicy cheeseburgers. A table filled with a huge, beautifully browned turkey and all the trimmings. Piping-hot Mexican food drowned in cheese and salsa. Plump, juicy hot dogs. I want it. I really want it. I want it all.

I've had a love affair with high-sugar food, high-fat food and plain old junk food probably since childhood. My mom and dad tried to get me to eat healthy food, or at least healthier food, but over the years I'd go up and down in terms of how in love I was with the poorer choices. Eventually we -- junk food and me -- got married. We've lived happily ever after for years and years. However, like many marriages, it looked good on the outside and the primal pleasures of it were good, but it was killing me. So now thanks to the Beta HCG Diet we're separated. But not divorced. Will we ever be? It's clear that the attraction is still there. I have the strength to stay away now, during the severely restrictive stage. But what about when I add foods back in to my daily diet? I have no faith in my ability to stay away.

Right now there are fun-size Milky Ways and outrageously rich Berger cookies on my dining room table, left over from my two required gorge days before the low-calorie restricted diet kicked in. I resist them every day. They don't call to me, or if they do, I don't hear them. I rarely even notice them. But that's because I'm committed to this diet for the WHOLE time I'm on it. But then what?

I don't want to reconcile with the food that I've loved and become addicted to while it was working behind the scenes to fatten me up and shorten my life. I don't want to reconcile with it but I also don't want to do without it. Well, for the moment I don't have to worry about imminent temptation. I still have 13 days to go on the low-calorie plan. 16 days, really, because I have to add them on until the HCG gets out of my system. Then another three weeks of no sugars and starches. Then I can add in one or two foods at a time. Maybe by then I'll be ready for the divorce. Stay tuned.

Beta HCG Diet - I Got Nuthin'!

Traveling. Sitting in a big ballroom for 12 hours a day. Expensive food. Nothing tastes very good. Maybe that's because I've now got a cold. Ugh! I've got a sore throat and have been coughing, though not those disruptive, annoying coughs. The sore throat isn't like sharp knives like strep throat is. But it hurts nevertheless and it's hard to swallow. Sleep is a nightmare. Plus, with all of the water I drink on this diet, I wake up and head to the bathroom about every hour and a half or two hours. It isn't that bad during the day -- why so at night?

So, no energy thanks to the severe diet and the cold. Hurting and strained left knee that doesn't like to walk far or stand for any length of time. Brendon Burchard, who's leading this seminar, is big on standing and bouncing physical activities. I pass on a lot of them, both because my leg squeals when I do some of them and also because I just plain feel lousy. Because of those two factors, I find myself in curmudeon mode. "All right already! Enough. Sit the hell down, everybody," I think to myself (and I actually cleaned that up). I don't mean to be a Scrooge but I feel yukky and nearly everything and everyone annoys me. (Except my good friend who's here with me. She's a godsend.)

This diet was especially tough today and I suffered. It was almost like the first few days after the gorge days. I felt on the verge of nausea several times during the day, and, quite surprisingly, HUNGRY! I haven't been hungry much at all the past couple or so weeks, let alone for most of a day. Could it have to do with the plan being disrupted by the Hall's cough drops I take a few times a day? Sorry but otherwise I'd choke to death because sometimes the cough starts deep in my throat and I feel almost like I'll gag if I don't calm down my throat. And that's so much fun for the people around me. So I'm taking the cough drops because they soothe my throat and keep it from clenching. I've only taken two today -- how can they hurt?

So in light of all of the above, I didn't follow the damn diet to the letter today. I ate an extra melba toast. And I couldn't easily get any veggies for this evening's meal so I'm going with an extra fruit. But I figure if that's as far as I go away from this diet, I'm doing pretty well. I've never not used a lot of pills and fizzy tablets and Vicks when I've had a cold like this, so I should get some credit for ONLY taking cough drops. Right?

Oh, and by the way, I wore a knit top today that used to look quite u-g-l-y a month ago. I look smaller all around, I feel less whale-like, so I'm heartened by that. Yes, this is worth it.

All in all, though, tonight I feel like I've just got nuthin'. I couldn't wait til we were dismissed for the evening. I hobbled to my room, turned on the tv, snuggled under the covers and watched the last quarter of the LSU-Alabama game, plus overtime, quite an exciting game, actually. Now I hope to fall asleep soon and I am grateful for the extra hour of sleep granted to us tonight when Daylight Savings Time goes off. Maybe -- hopefully! -- tomorrow will be better.

Beta HCG Diet -- Staying On It While Traveling

In a hotel, no car, tied up from early morning to late night. How do I stay on this diet? I am without a scale to fulfill the requirement of weighing myself every day. It was too big to bring and the hotel doesn't have any to bring me. Well, at least I wangled a refrigerator out of them, which has made a huge difference.

Normally at these things, I worry all day about when they're going to let us out so we can eat. I have snacks in my purse to tide me over and they're only fresh in that they're not stale; it certainly isn't because it's "real" food. I OD on Diet Coke. And I have food in my room, always. But not here.

Several things are different. I'm not hungry, by and large. Thank you, Beta HCG, for that. I haven't had a Diet Coke for three weeks. The food in my purse is one piece of melba toast and an apple. I'm drinking water by the liter. I prefer sparkling water but with drizzles of fresh lemon juice I can drink nearly that much plain water too. I still get a little panicky over meal breaks but it's more about where I can get the food I can eat on this diet than it is about rushing to eat.

I got here Wednesday. I put frozen shrimp in my carry-on so I ate that in the Denver airport during my two-hour layover. And an apple. I brought several pieces of fruit with me -- three apples, three oranges and four lemons. And a box of melba toast. So the challenge is to find vegetables. A friend who's a Platinum-level hotel guest took me up to the concierge lounge at dinner time. They had a great spread! Unfortunately, the entree was turkey drowned in gravy and mashed potatoes. There were wonderful crackers and cheese squares. I don't remember what else. I just know I couldn't eat any of it. So my friend went with me to a restaurant in the hotel and I ordered grilled chicken, hold all the trimmings and sides, and sliced tomatoes.I stuck half of the chicken in my fridge for tomorrow. Only one vegetable yesterday instead of the two I was supposed to eat, but by and large in my mind I did great.

Today I bought a pre-packaged salad with chicken on top. I took all of the chicken out and gave the rest of the salad to my friend, who enjoyed it. Tonight my friend went back up to the concierge lounge but I didn't bother. I went to the high-end restaurant in the hotel and paid $40 for a ribeye steak, hold the trimmings and sides, and ordered steamed kale and sliced tomatoes. I asked the waiter how much the steak weighed before cooking and he said eight to nine ounces. I'd heard bad things about kale (similar to spinach) but had never tried it. It was pretty tasty, which made me think that they probably cooked it in something even though the waiter said it would be steamed. I'm not sure but I ate it all anyway because I was behind on my vegetables.

Interestingly, the very slim and attractive woman in the couple with me at dinner, who was eating normally, told me she had gone through several rounds of the Beta HCG diet and lost some and gained a bit of it back, but then it jolted her out of her previous habits and she lost 70 pounds! That was my intention too, to stop the madness of my crappy food addictions. She also said she lost a bunch of her hair, which definitely disturbed me. She said it is growing back but slowly. I'll have to ask Dr. DeWet about that.

A $40 steak is pretty outrageous. But for my $40 I have two more decent-size hunks of luscious ribeye steak for two meals and some tomatoes for my late-night snack tonight, fulfilling the two-veggie requirement. That isn't so bad. But those damn vegetables remain the biggest thorn in my side. We'll see how creative I can be for the rest of this trip. Stay tuned.

Beta HCG Diet - "It's Not Good For You!"

People who don't know much about the Beta HCG weight loss plan that I've been on for nearly three weeks fall into one of two camps. They either think it's not good for me and say so or they think it's not good for me and don't say so. I understand. I thought the same thing when I first encountered someone who was going on it, but that very same person by his own example, enthusiasm and recommendation of his holistic M.D. turned me around.

I know people mean well. The idea of living on 500 calories a day sounds like starvation and silliness. It sounds like I'll have such pent up cravings for the food I'm missing that the moment I'm off of it, I'll binge on everything in sight. It sounds like I'll gain all of the weight back when I go back to eating "normally."

Well, I urge you to read all of the information about the Beta HCG weight loss plan before you come to your final conclusion. As always, go to the experts, not to the naysayers and ignoramuses.

It turns out that a significant number of my friends and acquaintances have been on this plan and lost weight. They send me private tweets to tell me so, and Facebook direct messages so no one else sees. And who can blame them, with all of the flak they'd get if they went public? Every one of them says they lost weight, did well and gained back some but not nearly all of it. That's a better track record than most diets.

I've always been a proponent of changing one's lifestyle rather than going on a diet as such. Yeah, well, look where that got me. HUGE, that's where! I just don't have the discipline to conquer my food addictions without something drastic to jolt me out of them, and this diet certainly qualifies.

After it's over, it's not really over. In a support call with Dr. Pieter DeWet, to whom I'm going for this plan, I learned that basically these habits I'm developing go on and on. Then I'll be able to moderately add things food by food and do a "steak day" to get myself back on track if I gain more than two pounds.

Frankly, I don't know how I'm going to do after I get off of this diet. I'm suffering mightily with the vegetables and I long to be able to mix them instead of eating just one at a time. I also long to be able to dilute their "vegetable" taste somewhat with some kind of oil or butter or cheese. But I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. I can already feel that my tastes are changing. People can eat the kinds of desserts I used to kill for right in front of me and it doesn't bother me. That's a HUGE relief! I hope that persists. And I also hope I'll be able to exercise portion control, something I've never been good at. I just know I can't go back to my old normal. I have to create a new normal. One that's healthy and doable, both. THAT will be the challenge.

Beta HCG -- Hating Vegetables

Before this diet I liked onions and celery as long as they were cooked and not raw. I liked asparagus and zucchini. I could eat tomatoes even if I didn't love them. Now I wonder if I will ever eat any of those again after this diet ends. Every meal I dread the vegetables. I choke them down each time but I grimace when I do. Oh, for some butter to saute the onions in and some cheese to make asparagus tasty! Sigh.

I am only on Day 16 with 24 days to go. Then for another three weeks I can't eat starches or sugars. I know I will make it to the end because I am so determined. But I sure hope it gets easier.

Okay, part of my whining is probably due to the fact that I've only lost one half of one pound since Wednesday. I lost like my insides were melting until then and suddenly slammed into a big brick wall. So my total loss is 10-1/2 pounds. That actually may not be right; it may be more, depending on how you figure things. I had gained an additional 8 or 9 pounds just before my arthroscopic surgery about a month ago and lost it all just after my surgery. And two weeks after surgery I started this diet. So I've lost 10-1/2 on the diet but an additonal 9 pounds right before that. Could my body be adjusting to the nearly 20 pound loss or am I just temporarily stuck? Either way, I'll be glad when the scale starts sliding down again.

Tell me this will get easier!

Beta HCG Diet -- I Miss Food!

This diet is going well. I'm doing everything according to the plan. I'm losing weight. I'm feeling thinner. (Hey, everything is relative.) I feel good about this whole program I'm on. Only one problem....

I miss food! I long for a Subway turkey and provolone sub. I want a big bite of a Red Robin Pub Burger, medium. I could resist their fries, which I seriously love, but the burger, cheese and bun...oh, big sigh! I'd love to wrap my mouth around a hunk of string cheese. I could sink my teeth into a big old salad with chicken, a mix of vegetables, hard boiled egg and a little dressing. I can't wait for when I can eat the whole Flo's Filet, medium rare, at Longhorn Steakhouse.

It's not that I want to go back to the way I was eating --I definitely do NOT! -- but I don't know where to draw the line or even if I can. I know I don't have to worry about it for another 27 days and I only have to handle one day at a time, but I'm scared of gaining the weight back. Statistics are on the side of gaining it all back plus more. I don't want to go through all of this only to gain it back. I think it's almost healthier to keep the weight on than to be yo-yoing

These are thoughts. I can have my thoughts, feelings, doubts and fears and still stick to my plan the whole 42 days. But I sure hope that in the next few days -- or certainly by the 42nd day -- I will feel differently about how I'll re-enter my normal life, whether I plan to go through another round or two of this diet. Yes, diet. Even though I want to think of it as a health program, right now I just see it as a damn diet! Wish me luck. And stay tuned....

Beta HCG Diet -- Down 10 Pounds But Not Enjoying Food

Wow! I'm really down 10 pounds! I'm already fitting into pants I haven't been able to wear in awhile. I'm not hungry. I'm eating real food.

Only problem is...I'm not enjoying most of the food I'm eating. It tastes awful! Frozen lobster tail that tastes fishy. Leftover chicken from restaurants that was good the first time but tasteless when I eat it at home. Vegetables so dry, chewy or limp that I can hardly choke them down.

Well, at least the fruit is good. And the melba toast. I never particularly liked eating an apple by itself, found it did weird things to my stomach. Now I'm loving it and getting along fine with it. A whole orange seems like a lot of food. Strawberries are great, at least the ones I eat when they're first fresh, before I freeze them.

Tonight I went to Longhorn Steakhouse and had a filet. Well, half of one, the other half is now in my fridge for tomorrow. OMG, was it good! My vegetable was asparagus, naked, and it was edible, at least. Half of it is also in my fridge, as is a lobster tail that was the other item in my combo order. This lobster won't taste fishy!

Blah food won't make it into my lifestyle when I go off of HCG. If I truly want to change my lifestyle I can't go back to the way I was eating before. So I have to make the food I eat at home taste as good as what I get in a restaurant. Ha! Good luck with that. Or I have to go out more and take home doggie bags. Oooooh, expensive!

Well, thanks to Longhorn at least I know I have tasty food for the next two meals. And a friend who's a terrific cook lent me her George Forman grill so we'll see if that helps. Stay tuned....

Strawberries Shouldn't Be This Tough!

To further demonstrate how totally undomestic I am, I am asking for help dealing with strawberries. Yes, strawberries. Fresh strawberries.

You'd think that wrangling fresh strawberries would be relatively easy. They're not complicated fruits. But they have me baffled.

So far in the week that I've been trying to have strawberries at the ready for my Beta HCG diet, I have ended up with strawberries that are so moldy I couldn't save many of them, frozen fresh strawberries that when they were defrosted were so mushy they were nearly liquid, and strawberries that I didn't wash until I got them out of the freezer but they then lost much of their red coating when I gently washed them with cold water and were much like lightly flavored ices when they started to defrost.

So what do I do? Buy fewer at a time so they don't go moldy? Or is there some secret to keeping them mold-free, mush-free and redskin jacketed? Help!

Beta HCG Diet -- Why I'm Doing This

Now that I've been on this diet -- or wellness plan, as I prefer to call it -- I can say emphatically that I am NOT having fun! Living on 500 calories a day is not easy, even if I'm not hungry as such. Thank you, Beta HCG, for that. But having to weigh and measure everything is a pain, though I am getting pretty good at eyeing things when I'm not near my letter scale. Finding things to eat is challenging, especially since I basically don't like either the food or the nakedness of it. The recipes I discovered last night on this site should help, but still...I like my food blended -- okay, covered up -- with other ingredients. I can eat food I am not wild about if it's "disguised" or folded in with other foods, and on this plan there's really none of that. Veggies with cheese and breadcrumbs are palatable. Naked veggies: not so much.

So why am I doing this? I don't want to live as I have for the past four years since I started dealing with first a bad hip and then a bad knee. I gained weight with each because it hurt to move from the bed to the bathroom, let alone walk around the block or get on an elliptical machine. My hip replacement two years ago was a godsend but not long after that my knee went crazy. For no apparent reason. No idea where that came from. So now that my knee is fixed, too, thanks to very successful arthroscopic surgery three weeks ago and wonderful physical therapists, I am ready to tackle the rest of my health. And that means not just losing the weight I have gained in four years -- probably about 25 pounds -- but also the several dozen pounds that I was already overweight. A daunting prospect.

It's not just about the weight. It's also the whole way I've been eating. As a bona fide addictive person, anything with sugar and carbs had me hooked. I knew it but was not able to do anything about it and was not ready to try. There's a tv commercial that shows two women on a split screen, one of whom continually chooses healthy foods and the other that chooses all of the bad foods. I was that latter one, absolutely. I didn't want to be that person anymore. I didn't want the health challenges. I didn't want the lifestyle of a FAT person. I didn't want to keep feeling sluggish and lethargic. I didn't want to keep having to wait for the handicapped stall in public bathrooms. I didn't want to keep struggling and moaning when I get in and out of my car. I didn't want to keep having to sit down after just a few minutes. I wanted to be free of all of that and to feel normal again.

So that's why I am cutting up celery, which I hate raw, and cooking it with extra lean ground beef, with chili con carne spices and forcing it down. I love those two things in spaghetti sauce (I know -- celery is not common in spaghetti sauce but I like it) but that's not on the plan for now. And that's why I am stopping at 3.5 oz. of protein twice a day. And that's why I'm drinking so much water that I'm up peeing 3-5 times a night. That's why I will keep on this plan for the next several weeks. Because I think it will pay off in long-term and short-term ways.

Then there's the vanity factor. And the shame factor. Two sides of the same coin. The prospect of running into people who knew me years ago, even a few years ago but especially many years ago, is downright frightening. A few years (and pounds) ago, I saw an old boyfriend at an airport where I had a brief layover. I spotted him from a distance and I had plenty of time if I'd wanted to go talk to hiim. But I was so ashamed of the weight I'd gained, especially since the last time he'd seen me I was at my very thinnest as an adult, that I turned around and walked the other way. A few pounds are one thing; over 100 make it a whole 'nuther thing. I want to be able to walk up to anyone from any time in my life and joyfully say hi. Ah, vanity.

My clothes already fit better. My cravings are going...going...not quite gone. The smell of freshly baked bread when they bring it to the table in Longhorn Steakhouse still gets to me, even though I don't have an irresistible desire to reach out, rip off a hunk and sink my teeth into it. I'll be thrilled when I can have cheese again, especially in and on things. And I have a new appreciation of sauces and I long for them, even tomato-based ones that I used to stick my nose up at in favor of the creamier ones. Okay, I'm not going to keep going down that road. Just suffice it to say that even after a week, I feel confident that I am no longer hooked on sugars and starches. That can only lead to good things.

So I'm in this for the (relatively) long run, though I'm dealing with it all one day at a time, one meal at a time and sometimes one minute at a time. They all add up.

Beta HCG - Ugly Food Day

Yesterday -- Friday -- was a disaster in many ways. I had physical therapy early and forgot to take my HCG spray with me. PT was torture. I barely labored through it. Discouraging since I'd been doing the exercises with a lot more vigor earlier. But I made it.

Then I went to the grocery store, came home just long enough to drop everything off, then had to leave for a meeting. I had time to eat half an orange, the first half of which I ate before PT. On the way to the meeting I ate my first of two allowed pieces of melba toast. The meeting was at 1:00, over at 2:00, so I figured I would use my $10-off coupon at Ruby Tuesday afterward and take home the extras. They make good tilapia and they were willing to eliminate the oils and sauces in that and zucchini when I was there on my first diet day, so I was looking forward to a nice, long, leisurely late lunch with delicious food.

'Twas not to be. And I was in such a rush in my few minutes at home that it didn't even occur to me to spray or to stick it in my purse. Not good.

The meeting went 45 minutes longer than anticipated and then I accepted an invitation to go to lunch at a nearby cafe. I was in one of those super prickly low-blood-sugar modes where I want to kill something large and furry. I knew it was chemical but it was all I could do to sit there patiently pretending to be a sane person while they prepared everything for us. Our waitress brought my two compatriots' plates one at a time and then stopped to talk to the manager, who was sitting at the table next to us. And kept talking. I could see my plate sitting there waiting to be picked up, and after a few minutes (probably in reality maybe two or three) I blurted out pretty loudly, "Hello! Can I get my food too?!?!" I was clearly annoyed. Then when she brought my plain chicken, it had some kind of gooey sauce all over it. I was totally exasperated and fortunately the manager came to my rescue. She whisked the plate away and a couple of minutes later I had my plain chicken, which was actually not bad. But by that time it was 3:15 and with no HCG and no food to speak of, I knew I needed to get home to my HCG.

I still had another stop to make, to get the battery replaced in my watch. I didn't get back home until 5:00. Headed right for the HCG.

We had an autumn "do" with lots of yummy food at the complex where I live and I figured there would be nothing I could eat so I took my lemon water with me and an apple. Sure enough, all I could eat were veggies in salad but everything was coated in oil so I was content with my apple. Passing up dessert didn't phase me. I only truly mourned not being able to eat the meatballs, which are always scrumptious. Headed back upstairs about 8:30, was absolutely starving -- my body, not my mouth -- and didn't want to take time to cook anything. Since I'd planned on going to Ruby Tuesday, I didn't have anything thawed except for "extras" of shrimp (1.1 oz.), frozen lobster (1.4 oz.) and I cut off another little piece of the leftover chicken to make the 3.5 oz. of protein I could have. I'm not sure you can mix the protein, since they say only to have one veggie at a meal and not mix them, but that's what I had so I went with it. The shrimp was good. It was the last of it or I would have had more. The lobster was AWFUL! I love lobster in restaurants, prefer it with butter but can do without. It's never tasted fishy. This frozen-but-defrosted lobster tail (little pieces) was fishy and I could barely choke it down. Even the leftover chicken -- cold -- was pretty grim. I sliced a tomato and even that was hard to get down. Boy, that was the least fun dinner I've had in a long time. The melba toast I had to top it off was the only saving grace. Who knew that melba toast would be such a treat?

Today is a new day. And I'm definitely headed to Ruby Tuesday for a GOOD meal! Oh, and by the way, I'm down a total of six pounds!

Beta HCG - Down Another 2 Pounds

A week ago today was my #1 gorge day. Friday was #2 gorge day per the Beta HCG diet. Gained 5 pounds on those two days, lost them in 48 hours. From back to my original weight, I'm down five pounds total. Down two from yesterday to today. I even weighed myself twice a couple of hours apart -- same thing. My jeans actually were a little loose today, though I'm sure another good washing in hot water will make them fit just fine again.

So far I've stuck to the plan. Nearly perfectly. The "nearly" part came last night when I couldn't bring myself to eat leftover asparagus (which I'd already had some of at lunch) or a tomato or half an onion,which were all the veggies I had. So I skipped the veggie and had a few strawberries a while after dinner instead, even after already having my 2-fruit allotment for the day. I won't make a habit of it.

I had to laugh at myself. I'm so NOT domestic! I bought one of those plastic juicers. (I get the juice of one lemon each day). I went to wash it but couldn't get the plastic part apart from the glass bottom part that holds the juice. I pulled and pulled, tried to pop it with my fingernail. Nothing. While it was in the sudsy water, I accidentally twisted the top and it came right off. Duh....

My energy level is still low but the headache is gone, the nausea is gone, my aches and stiffness were better today, and my head is clearer. Progress! Stay tuned....