Long Time Comin'

Much to my astonishment, I heard from an old boyfriend today. "Old" meaning way over a decade ago.

Thank you, Google!

He called me. HE called ME! He actually e-mailed me, but in today's context it's the equivalent of a phone call. He reached out to me. I can't tell you how I would've killed for that, how much time I spent with him haunting my brain, how much energy I spent wondering how it came to be that I was in a relationship with him and he wasn't in one with me.

We drifted apart. No fight. No goodbye. Just kind of stopped seeing each other, stopped communicating, stopped everything. Ran into each other periodically at some function or another. Our eyes would clamp onto each other and we were aware at every moment of where in the room the other was. We'd not always say hi. More often than not, though, we'd hug, we'd hold on to each other a second or two longer than "friendly" would warrant, we'd chat about meaningless things, and then we'd move on in the crowd. I always found myself a bit disoriented for 10 or 20 minutes after one of those encounters. Couldn't walk quite straight, couldn't focus on whoever I was talking to, felt way more warm, loved and wanted than a simple hug would normally convey.

I always knew that we had a special feeling for each other. No matter that it didn't work out. The reasons don't matter -- it was a long time ago. No desire to go back. Didn't feel any desire for him to go back either. But I got a warm, glowy feeling when I read his note.

I have had relationships before that ended in ways that I didn't understand. My intuition told me one thing, but their actions told me another. I'd get over them, but they were unresolved in my mind, and my faith in what my gut told me was wobbly for awhile. Inevitably later, usually years later, nearly every one of these guys would call me or see me and confess to me that what I'd felt had actually been true. They'd fought it or been scared of it or denied it. Their finally telling me that my intuition at the time had been right always vindicated me, restored my faith in my gut, and boosted my confidence. I'd been loved.

This e-mail today was sort of like that. Just his reaching out to me was a victory of sorts. I've been smirking inside all day. Nyah nyah nyah! It is a little gesture but it couldn't have been easy for him to make it. I found myself releasing a breath I didn't know I'd been holding...for well over a decade.

Long live Google!

Shock Waves

Yesterday more astounding news about people I know came to me than in the last few months combined.

McGraw-Hill, my alma mater of 16 years, is going through their annual Thanksgiving/Christmas holiday layoffs. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to who-knows-how-many people, many of them 25-year-plus veterans. I've only heard about a few of them, so far, with more supposedly coming (or, should I say, going), but a couple of them absolutely shocked me. There are always a couple or so in that category each year. I hope they can quickly get to the point of feeling like they have a whole brand new future in front of them. They do. Even in this recession. I have a couple of friends who started their businesses in recessions and they are thriving. Others went on to really wonderful jobs, whether right away or somewhat later. I wish the same for my M-H friends.

Then last night my ex-cousin-in-law called me. DeAnne married my cousin when I was 10 or 11, and we bonded instantly. She (very wisely) dumped my cousin after awhile, he died of heart problems in his 30s after refusing to heed doctor's orders to change his lifestyle, and she went on to marry a wonderful man and has been married to him for the last 35 years. She and I have kept in touch all these years. She is one of my favorite people in the entire world. She's got a fabulous, self-deprecating sense of humor and a laugh that sounds like pealing bells. She is adventuresome, independent, and wise. She runs headlong into life. She's always been able to finish my sentences -- she understands me scarily well, and she's never been judgemental at all. (With me that's got to have been a challenge.) We talk or see each other every two to four years, but every time, it's like we are picking up our conversation from the day before.

My step-daughter Carey and I have that same kind of relationship. In fact, DeAnne was such a gift to me and was so important to me especially in my teens and twenties, and I aspired to be that for someone else. Carey was the answer to that prayer.

It has been a couple of years since DeAnne and I last spoke, and maybe a couple of years before that when she and her husband Jim came to New York City and we had dinner at the Grand Hyatt at Grand Central Station. Jim sat there in amazement as DeAnne and I prattled on about every subject in the world, neither of us holding back in his presence. He certainly got an earful or two, and we all laughed a lot.

DeAnne told me that Jim died in May. Shocking enough. But he died of Lou Gehrig's Disease. He was always so healthy! Just like my dad. My dad was always totally healthy, and then he got prostate cancer, got it treated and it went away, and then it came back and got him. DeAnne is a strong woman, positive, spiritual, and always searching. She and I share one attitude these days: we both feel like the longer we live, the less we know. Things we were sure about when we were younger have been challenged, if not disproven altogether. So she asks what, how, why...and she is willing to let the questions lie there unanswered.

G*d, it was good to talk to her. We covered about 50 subjects in the hour and a half that we were on the phone. Great nourishment for our souls! She's missing Jim mightily but is doing well. I hope it's not another two or three years before we talk again. We always vow to phone or visit "soon" but...well, you know how that goes.

Then late last night I checked my Facebook page, and some good friends who recently got married are having a baby! Great news! Part of me was disappointed for them that they won't have more time to just be newlyweds and get to know each other and have fun. But I suspect this is what they want and I know they'll be great parents, and their families will be joyous at the news.

So the night ended well. I wonder what today will hold.