Musings on topics of small or large importance. Especially partial to subjects that include baby boomers, public figures, friends, Corporate America, the Denver Broncos, NASCAR, my previous home towns of New York City and Columbia (Maryland), stupidity (mine and others'), diets and health and who knows what else!

Monday, October 19, 2009

SOS! Save Me from Myself!

Okay, I have to do something about my health and my weight. I've been putting it off until...until my book is done (it's done), until my hip replacement has healed (it's been four and a half months), until after my birthday (it was a week ago), until all of the sugary junk in my house is gone (I keep buying more), or until I feel like it (ha!). But meanwhile I don't feel well. I don't feel ill, just don't feel well.

And I've gained more weight lately. I feel logy and puffy. I feel old and fat. I don't want to exercise. I hardly want to walk to my car!

Mornings start out fine. I drink a bottle of water to start out my day, and that is about as healthy as I get all day. By lunchtime I crave something sweet no matter what I've had as a meal. Night is the worst. At exactly the time I should be finished eating for the day my sugar cravings will grab me by the throat and bum's-rush me around my kitchen, into drawers, cabinets and the fridge to pluck out cookies, ice cream, candy -- sometimes one, usually more than one. And is there ever enough? Rarely do I quit because I am satisfied; more often it's because my head says "enough already!"

I know I have an addictive personality. Whatever I like, I want more of, if not all of. More, more, more. Fortunately I don't drink and I've never smoked, or I would be in even worse trouble healthwise. But this sugar/carbs constant craving has got me in a headlock and much as I've squirmed, kicked and punched, I'm still in its grip.

I've heard that we're only as sick as our secrets. I've put off blogging about this because 1) I didn't want to acknowledge how bad it is (as if people can't tell by just looking at me), 2) I didn't want to be judged (yeah, like that wouldn't happen no matter what), 3) I didn't want "advice," no matter how well meaning -- I already KNOW what to DO! It's just a matter of doing it! 4) I didn't want to go public because I didn't want to fail, again, in front of everyone (as if perpetuating what I've been doing isn't already failing), 5) I am addicted to carbs and sugar and that part of me doesn't want to give them up, even at the cost of years off my life (how sick is that?!).

It's not that I'm "ready." I'm not. But I'm eager to feel better again; to want to do things; to fit into my clothes, and not just the big sizes; to look in the mirror and see "me" again; and to stop feeling like a failure.

Oprah Winfrey talked about feeling like a failure in the face of her other successes because she was overweight. All of my life I've wanted to write a book and now I've got a book coming out in February. I'm already starting on my next one, my first plunge into the fiction waters. I live in a place I love with neighbors and friends who are God's gifts to me. I have things to do, hands to shake, babies to kiss, and I don't care about any of them but I care that I don't care.

Please do NOT give me advice. I am not open to it. I may be as I proceed down this trail, but right now I just want to poke anyone in the eye who has "advice." But feel free to give me your empathy. No sympathy, please, or pity, and if you feel resentful, derisive or negative in any way, just move along. Tell me your own story, whether success or failure or in between. Give me any support you can muster, even if you don't leave a comment. It would also help me if you'd follow me on this journey that I have no faith I can take, because knowing that someone is watching and (hopefully) cheering me on may be powerful enough to get me going, like a push on a swing gets a kid sailing into the air and keeps her swinging for awhile before having to be pushed again. I've learned through Twitter that there are no strangers, only people you don't know as well as others. All positive energy gleefully accepted!

Come to think of it, tell my enemies, not that there are many [*guffaw*]. If living well is the best revenge, maybe knowing that they're hoping I stay fat and logy will be the best motivator!