Christmas Reds, Greens and Blues

It's Christmas Eve. I see reds and greens everywhere and my heart warms to joys of the holiday season. Since I was a little girl, Christmas has been the most special time of the year. My parents blew it out at Christmas, and I joined in when I became an adult. Our tree had more presents under it than that of most large families, and there were just the three of us, my mom and dad and me.

We had the presents part of Christmas figured out in a way that worked for all of us. We spent a lot of money every year, but we bought things for each other that we needed and/or wanted and probably would have bought anyway. It was all very practical, though we all tried to give one present that was a surprise, some fairly spectacular, some not. Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were times of closeness and laughter, and I treasure those memories.

Most of all, our Christmas present opening was a great, FUN experience every year. I usually played Santa Claus, i.e., handed everyone their presents in turn. My mom would get carried away with each gift, wanting to examine it or play with it or try it on, and we had to hurry her along. My dad and I were more like "thanks -- I'll look at this in depth later; what's next?" Our eyes were bright with anticipation, just like kids', even if we pretty much knew what we were getting. We opened presents in the old German tradition, on Christmas Eve -- my dad was German and that's the way his family did it. After he died in 1994, my mom and I shifted that to Christmas morning the first year but went right back to Christmas Eve the next year. It just felt right for us.

I used to like going to church on Christmas Eve but as my parents got older they wanted to open the packages earlier and were irritated at having to wait so long so I stopped going. It only felt like a sacrifice the first year or so; I saw how happy it made my folks to have our family time uninterrupted. We'd put on Christmas music and get our (non-alcoholic) drinks, stake out our places in the living room where we could pile up our goodies as we opened them, and we'd usually be finished by anywhere between 9:30 and 11:00. Every year we'd shake our heads in amazement and comment, "What a Christmas!" We knew we were blessed.

When my mom met the man who would be her companion for 11 years until she passed away in 2009, it only took one off-target Christmas and by the next one we had him trained. The three of us had a decade of pretty incredible Christmases, not just because of the presents but also because of being together and all of us pitching in to get our traditional turkey dinner on the table, thanks in part to the pre-prepped dinners from one of the local grocery stores, which were pretty darn good! Even doing the dishes together was a bonding holiday experience.

Such totally grand memories of Christmases all of my life! I spent every single Christmas of my life with both of my parents until my dad died and then with my mom until she died. So Christmas of 2009 was quite a shock. It was like going from 100 miles an hour to hitting a big, nasty, immovable Jersey barrier. My mom had passed away less then two months prior to that and it was sad and empty without her. Deeply, gut-level sad. I was also still in shock. I have great friends and that helped.

This year, however, I decided not to travel to see my good friends in Phoenix as I have in years past. (Phoenix is where my mom lived; I lived there myself for a decade, and I have fabulous friends there.) So on Christmas Eve, tonight, I went solo to the Cheesecake Factory, which is so close by that I walked to it. Dinner was delicious and the holiday din of fellow diners felt festive while I ate and read my Kindle.

Christmas Day I have no plans. I turned down invitations to some folks' homes, some in other states. I don't mind being alone. I'd rather be alone than be with somebody else's family -- it would make me miss mine even more. The exception has been my good, good friend in Phoenix where I've spent the last two Christmases, and I do miss her and her family, who all treat me like I am an honorary member. But, like I said, I am not traveling this Christmas.

So along with the reds and greens of Christmas, there are a few blues. As I was walking to dinner, I was grateful for all of the loving, blessed Christmases I've had with my family over the years (just two with a husband, and we were with my parents both of those Christmases). The memories of all those years together mute the blues. I feel like even though my incredible parents are gone and I miss them down to my toes, I am in the light. And, it's not blue. Merry Christmas, everybody.

Beta HCG Diet - 30 Days After Round 1

Being on such a limited menu of foods for 40 days stretched me nearly beyond my limits of discipline. I've always had a way too emotional relationship with food and so to have to adjust my mindset and tastebuds to "eat to live" was challenging. I vow to climb out of my comfort zone in Round 2 and actually whip up some of the HCG-compliant recipes that I've found. Just making two of the salad dressings made a huge difference. Even if I didn't love them like I do that great, creamy ranch dressing, they made plain lettuce palatable. Not being able to mix vegetables is a killer but I stuck to the plan pretty much down to the letter. That's why I lost 25 pounds in 40 days.

Now that I'm past the three weeks post-HCG when I couldn't eat grains, sugars or starches, I'm finding that "maintenance" is almost more flexibility than I can handle. Actually, there's no "almost" about it. I am having a very tough time.

The sugar-saturated foods left over after my two "gorge" days mandated just before starting the HCG sat on my dining room table and in my freezer for the entire Round 1 of the diet and through the three weeks of no grains, sugars or starches. They didn't tempt me or bother me in the least. Ah, but practically the minute those restrictions were lifted, suddenly those foods -- fun-size Milky Ways, Godiva caramel chocolates, Haagen Dazs ice cream -- called my name. Loudly and often. I succumbed slowly at first but by late last week I was outright pigging out on them. Not as bad as pre-HCG but definitely in the range that would pack back on the pounds. Those temptations are gone now and I am not replacing them any time soon.

In the last week or so I've felt compelled to seek out many of the foods I couldn't have during Round 1. The melt-in-your-mouth bread at Longhorn. A burger at Red Robin. A Grand Slam at Denny's. Chicken fetuccini at Olive Garden. Cornbread at I-can't-remember-where. Saltines with my swiss cheese. Whole wheat toast with my over-easy eggs. I haven't gone back to Dannon coffee yogurt, my favorite favorite favorite, because I'm afraid I won't be able to stop.

So today I had an "apple day," as suggested on the HCG diet to get my body turned around again. (I can eat up to six apples but that's all. I ate four.) I do not want to gain back the weight I lost. We'll see if all of this week-long misbehaving and the subsequent apple day are enough to get those mad desires out of my system.

I've historically done well on the Atkins diet. It's satisfying and I like the foods I can eat. I've never liked enough of the fruits and veggies on the South Beach diet to consider that, even though I think it's healthier and more sensible than Atkins. I may revisit that.

All I know is that this is an exercise in re-examining my relationship with food and the accompanying feelings. I love sugar and the foods it's in. I LOVE it, always have. To break up with it would be like being married to a man I'm in love with and have great chemistry with but he's a raging alcoholic. I decide to end the relationship for my health and sanity but he keeps living in the house and I keep hoping he'll quit drinking. He doesn't. That's what it's like when I think about severing my relationship with sugar. I don't know if I can do it and I don't know if I can finally reach "moderation" with it. I never have been able to before.

So after my apple day, I plan to get back to the eating I want for my ongoing lifestyle. I truly want a different relationship with food. I don't want to be "on a diet" other than when I'm on Round 2 (and maybe Round 3) of the Beta HCG diet. I am very clear that I need to look at how I feel about food, how attached I am to food, especially certain foods. Today on the apple day, the little kid inside me kept whining and crying for food beyond apples. I wasn't physically hungry but the emotional side of me was in pain. I will look at all of that. Just not tonight. Stay tuned.

Beta HCG Diet -- One Week After Round 1

My last day of eating 500 calories a day was the day before Thanksgiving. Since Thanksgiving, I've slowly been eating more, though still avoiding grains, sugars and starches. Yup, everything I used to live on.

The great news is that I haven't gained a pound since the last day of Round 1 of the Beta HCG Diet. The other great news is that I'm wearing clothes I had stuck way back in my closet. Losing 25 pounds on this body doesn't make a HUGE difference. Spitting in the ocean comes to mind. But it's a start and it is significant in that it's been quite awhile since I've lost any weight, let alone 25 pounds.

The bad news is... well, let's wait on that.

At first I was scared to eat anything beyond my skimpy portions of food that Round 1 required. For one thing, I wasn't hungry. Even now, a week later, when I can eat whenever I'm hungry, I often forget to eat and I never get ravenous. Today I had a small bowl of blueberries for breakfast, a piece of melba toast around 2:00 and seasoned, steamed shrimp and sesame-crusted rare tuna for dinner around 8:30. Since I am staying up late, I also had some string cheese dipped in a little hummus (ooooh, so good!) about 11:30 p.m. I missed veggies today but had some yesterday as well as some more fruit. Being able to have cheese again is bliss, and having cheese in eggs is super bliss. I've made an omelet nearly every day for a week. And I can eat the whole steak (Flo's Filet) at Longhorn. So great! So I'm delighted to be able to eat a much broader variety of foods and still not gain weight. I weigh every day and if/when I gain more than two pounds over my weight at the end of Round 1, I will have a "steak day" (just water until dinner and then a big steak, with an apple or tomato afterward) and supposedly that takes care of it.

Now for the bad news. My feet and ankles were swollen before going on HCG. They were badly swollen to the point where I completely gave up on wearing dresses, and I could find few shoes that fit me other than sandals of one sort or another. That's been the case for a good two or more years. Very discouraging to have elephant legs and feet. Cankles would be an upgrade. On the HCG diet, I got my feet and ankles back! I thought, "Hallelujia!" and thought it was because I was losing the weight. And I thought it was permanent. But...the minute the HCG was out of my system, even while I was still eating the 500 calories a day, the swelling came back. It is worse than ever! I want to stick a pin in each of my feet and let them deflate. Next week when I see the doctor I've been working with, I'll ask him what he thinks. But I'm sure not happy about that!

Also, the pain I suffered in my left knee (the one I've recently had arthroscopic surgery on) was intense for a couple of days and is somewhat challenging even now. Taking glucosamine and chondroitin seems to be helping. But that was a shock. I had zero pain after the surgery and was doing well while the HCG was surging through my system. Then nasty pain. I just hope it keeps backing off, and I am taking my vitamins faithfully to do my part.

The spectacular news is that I feel totally different about food. For the first time since probably 15 years ago when I went on the Atkins diet and gave up sweets, I have all of that crap out of my system and I don't crave it. I'd knock over old ladies for bread sometimes, but I've resisted it even when it's been on the table when I've been out with others. Mmmmm, that savory aroma of fresh, warm wheat bread in Longhorn was a little tough, and I have visions of Subway subs dancing in my head, but mostly that's about all I would kill for, and even that is only when it's in front of me or in a tv commercial. So I have hope that I truly am changing the way I eat. It's the only way this will work long term.

People tell me endlessly the odds of keeping the weight off. Nearly nil, they tell me. Not to torment me but I think to make me feel better if/when I gain it back. On this plan, gaining more than two pounds is not allowed and immediate action is prescribed, and I even have to travel with my scale to monitor it that closely. I can do that. I don't want to go back UP, that's for sure!

I know it's only been a week, but...so far, so good. Stay tuned!